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The Onion
The Onion
America's Finest News Source

In Focus: New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac BOSTON?Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday. Letters To The Editor: Color Blind Dear The Onion, I'm color-blind. What's green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI Statshot: What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs? Infographic: Chelsea Clinton Getting Married Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here's what to expect from the nuptials. James, Bosh, Wade Decide Nickname Will Be 'The Three-Headed Shitstorm' MIAMI—After weeks of debate over their collective nickname, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade announced yesterday that the newly formed all-star trio would call themselves the Three-Headed Shitstorm. Man Has Mosquito On The Run RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m. American Voices: Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St. Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles PHILADELPHIA—"The United States would not be the place it is today without these pioneering creeps," said historian Leland Collier. [audio] North Dakota Still Leads Nation In Parking Availability Slideshow: The Week In Review